|Pastor Chris Oyakhilome and Prophet TB Joshua. Photo:Filed|
It’s early morning in heaven. Chris saunters in like it’s his father’s house. Which it is, technically.
God is seated under an almond tree, eating Akpu and Onugbu soup. A bosomy seraph with a cute derrière is fanning Him vigorously.
GOD: Chris bobo! My guy, how you dey na?
CHRIS: I am fine sir.
GOD: Why are you looking like someone stole your bread? Are you hungry? O ya, join me and stop looking like a motherless child.
CHRIS: Thank you but I am not hungry. Your men have started again.
GOD: Which of my men?
CHRIS: They ones you put in charge of your flock in Nigeria. They have started doing nonsense again and if I abuse them now they will say I don’t have respect for men of God. Come and warn them o!
GOD: Guy, relax. What have these so called men of God done this time?
CHRIS: Are you going to pretend like you don’t know?
GOD: Don’t mind Chris jare, he can like to speak English. But you people need to understand that divorce is not an easy something. He and Anita are going through a tough period, let them be.
CHRIS: And that’s why he should be threatening people with damnation because Anita is leaving him? Is it today that people started divorcing?
GOD: Poor Anita. You know how many times she has come here to cry? See, if two cannot continue to live as one, two should go their separate ways biko.
CHRIS: It seems to me as if you’re taking sides in this matter. What kind of God are you that you’re not on the side of the man you gave anointing, but on the side of the person whose anointing is merely a waka-pass anointing?
GOD: LMAO! Which one is waka-pass anointing again? You this boy, you can talk nonsense. Anyway, before anyone can be man of God, he has to be man first. I no talk pass that one.
CHRIS: So, where were you when your other man killed 200 people? You siddon look as usual, abi?
GOD: Chineke! Which of my men killed 200 people?
GOD: Tueh! God forbid that one is my man.
CHRIS: Oh, you’re going to deny him now, abi? You know I keep saying that if the process of being God were democratic, you won’t win a second term. Not even if you contested as a PDP candidate and all the rigging forces in Africa were put behind you, I swear!
GOD: Guy, warn yourself o. Which one is this accusing that you come here to accuse me all the time nah? What is my own in this matter, am I the Lagos State government? What were they looking when he was building the yeye guest house? Something that has collapsed three times already, was that not warning that it will kill many people one day? You Nigerians are a funny lot. You keep expecting me to perform miracles when you do foolish things and you are always doing foolish things. Now that you have killed 84 South African’s, you people will understand what it means to mess with citizens of a country where lives count.
CHRIS: But it was the anointing you gave him that made all those people come from South Africa to seek miraculous healing, is it not?
GOD: Who told you I gave Temitope any anointing? Is that how you think I just share anointing anyhow? If na so, why haven’t I given you some?
CHRIS: Because I don’t want! Anointing seems to be 2 for 5 kobo in Nigeria. But you really shouldn’t deny your man in his time of trouble.
GOD: Which man? Abeg abeg. Did you hear the excuses he gave? First it was alien attack from an unidentified plane. Then it was his enemies at work. Look, if you gullible Nigerians believe anyone just because they claim to be my men, that’s your cup of Akamu. Someone that should already be in police custody. Oshisko!
CHRIS: Wondafu! But at least you can’t deny Oritsejafor, he’s the head of the Christian body here.
GOD: Oritse Bling Bling! Heheheheheehhe!!! Walahi, you Nigerians are too funny, especially those Twitter people. Every time I am depressed by what’s going on in Syria, Iraq, Ukraine and what those bastard sons of unsuspecting mothers who call themselves ISIS are doing, I just change the channels to Nigeria and instantly I am having a laugh. That your president is a real comedian o, Oritse Bling Bling is his spiritual father, seriously? SMH.
CHRIS: So the too is not your man?
GOD: God forbid!
CHRIS: Great! I’m leaving. You’re having too much fun at the expense of poor Nigerians.
Chris walks towards heaven’s exit gate, remembers something and turns back.
CHRIS: While we are at it sir, can you please stop killing my friends? You have taken two in the past 5 months.
GOD: Awww. Lookatew.
God hugs Chris tightly and holds his head in His hands, starring straight into his eyes.
CHRIS: This is rather gay, you know? Remember I am Nigerian.
GOD: Shut up, must you always talk nonsense? Anyway, you’ll be fine, you hear?
CHRIS: Yeah right. Just stop killing my friends!
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